


Mettle

by gryffindorJ



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-04
Updated: 2008-12-04
Packaged: 2019-08-22 18:27:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16603250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gryffindorJ/pseuds/gryffindorJ
Summary: "You believe that?" Sirius asked, and Remus nodded. "I don't. Even people who are supposed to love you can find reasons not to. They'll want you to not be the way you are-- because you've changed from what they wanted—expected. They can misunderstand the slightest thing."





	Mettle

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to torino10154 for all her wonderful help, blpaintchart for being British and Brit Picking for me and to MBOTS for the beta and the loverly comment she left me even though she knew it was me. This was written for hp_toujours. I've read so much about Sirius's relationship with his brother and mother but not much with his father, so I figured it was a Black Family fest so there was no better time to explore that relationship.

_When Sirius was a little boy his father used to take him to his office. Not often enough, as far as Sirius was concerned, but at least a couple times a month. He felt the mantle of importance snugly around his body as he gave a nod of farewell to his mother and a haughty smirk to his baby brother._

_Sirius loved how the women of the office fawned over him. Telling him what a handsome boy he was, while they slipped him sweets. His favorite secretary, Mrs. Robinson, would pull out her bag from under her desk, reach deep inside, revealing the large round curves of her breasts almost all the way to where the skin began to darken. She would look up, smile at Sirius, pull her hand out of her bag producing several pieces of Droobles Best Blowing Gum. Sirius would never be able to put the luscious pink sweet in his mouth without having a vision of his favorite pair of tits. Mostly as an adolescent and even into adulthood, he would close his eyes and softly sigh as he began to chew the soft treat._

_While his father worked Sirius would sit quietly with his own quill and parchment, doing his own "work" as well. Usually consisting of drawing pictures of his favorite Magical Beasts or writing his name with increasing flourish._

_When a business associate of his father's came to the office Sirius sat a little straighter, and would spit out his gum. Important people didn't chew gum. Sirius would listen quietly, enjoying the membership in this secret society where business was done, money was made, fortunes secured. Where other men looked at his father with envy and admiration. Sirius would think proudly how one day he would garner those looks when this was his office._

_Sirius and his father would leave the office after a hard day's work. Stopping to get ice cream as they walked, both getting raspberry chocolate swirl, because it wasn't only his father's favorite, it was Sirius's too. As they ate their treat Sirius's father would walk him past Quality Quidditch Supplies, telling him which broom was the best and that when old enough Sirius would have the best broom. Blacks had the best of everything._

_Before they stepped in the floo to travel home his father would remind Sirius not to brag to Regulus and make him feel jealous. "Remember, he's your brother," his father would admonish._

_Sirius would agree and promise his father he wouldn't tease his brother, at least not about that. It didn't matter, Regulus couldn't take it from him. These were special things for Sirius, the eldest son, the heir. On these days he was shiny and golden. No, he was shining and silver. Blacks were made of silver._

"Ewww! What the hell, Sirius?" James yelled at him. Sirius looked around, not sure what James could be so upset about. 

"What?" 

"You're not wearing any pants, you fucking perv," James winced. 

"Don't act like you've never seen one before." Sirius grinned, grabbed himself and shook his cock at James. "You've seen my majestic one countless times, just like I've seen yours with its curve to the right." James shoved Sirius away as they both laughed. 

They continued getting dressed for quidditch practice. 

"Why don't you have pants on?" James asked shouldering his broom. 

"Date tonight." Sirius said shouldering his own broom. 

"You have detention." James pointed out. 

"Tut tut tut, Jamie, my boy. Detention won't last all night, have to be prepared for anything." 

"You can't have my cloak," James said. "I have a real date tonight. I'll be sneaking out of Hufflepuff's Common Room 'bout the time your sorry arse is finished with detention." 

"I'll get by." Sirius smiled his most smug smile. 

Sirius rushed in the shower after practice. He wanted to get to detention but he didn't think having smelly balls would help him get anywhere on is date. Not that he planned on having his balls touched, but you never knew. 

He hurried quickly across the grounds to the greenhouses. The cold November air bit at the tips of his ears, his still damp hair was not helping either. As he got closer he saw Professor Sepal and Remus standing outside waiting for him. He almost jogged to rest of the way when he saw Remus shivering slightly, but couldn't when Sepal gave him a pointed glare. Sirius was not about to hurry on to his detention, especially after it was clear he should do so. 

"You're tardy, Mr. Black," Sepal said lazily, as if he were obliged to say it. 

"Yes, I love to hurry to get to detention so I can work my arse off," Sirius replied. Sepal ignored him, and Remus gave him a small eye roll. 

They were led to Greenhouse Three, where Sepal told them they would be repotting plants and they needed to all be done tonight. The plants didn't respond well to being moved in the daylight. Sepal told them in his slow lazy voice to get to work then left them alone. Sirius chuckled to himself. 

"Why are you laughing?" Remus asked as soon as Sepal was gone. 

"He's gone to knock back his evening bottle of wine," Sirius replied. "Knew he couldn't be arsed to be in charge of a detention. Fucking lazy sod." 

"Would you want to waste your night watching two blokes in detention?" 

"Depends," Sirius grinned, "are you one of the guys?" Remus's cheeks pinked slightly, and he turned away to grab a stack of empty pots. 

Sirius watched as Remus began to organize the plants. He thought for a moment about helping him. But all day Sirius had only thought about detention tonight, and working was not what he had planned on doing. 

"Move, Moony," Sirius said, as he slipped out his wand. "Please, it'll just take a second-don't look at me like you think this is a bad idea." 

"You are not using magic to get us out of our punishment," Remus replied, moving protectively in front of the empty stack of pots. 

"Why not?" 

"We both know very well that the suits of armour didn't rearrange themselves," Remus said sternly. Sirius's stomach gave a small flutter, he loved it when Remus took that tone with him. 

"Come on, Moon-eee," Sirius whinged, knowing his tone would gain some ground with Remus. 

Remus shook his head. 

"Please?" Sirius said, with less of a childish tone and one that was much more impish. He lowered his eyes slightly, giving Remus his most flirtatious half-smile. 

"Fine," Remus said after a few moments deliberation. "Sepal never said we couldn't use magic." 

"That’s the right attitude." Sirius flicked his wand at the empty pots lining them up in the row, then to the plants so that they easily lined up the empty pots. A few last incantations and the work was being done itself. 

"What's the next step to your plan, Padfoot?" Remus said, his hands on his hips as he shook his head, acting like he couldn't believe he was allowing this. 

"Thought we'd stay here for bit." Sirius put his wand back in his robes, walking over to Remus. Remus's lips twitched and his cheeks flushed. 

"And?" 

"Same thing as last night-" Sirius brushed his lips to the shell of Remus's ear. The blush from Remus's cheeks to his ears "-and the night before that." 

"And the two nights before that?" Remus turned his head, bringing his and Sirius's mouths a hair's breadth apart. 

"Yes," Sirius breathed. 

Remus lightly touched his lips to Sirius's. "I think I can do that." 

A groan of relief and anticipation sounded in the back of Sirius's throat and their lips finally met for a long, slow, kiss. 

Time seamed to float or fly or mix in a flurry of action. Before they knew it they were tucked under a bench, limbs as tangled as their tongues. They eventually broke apart, holding one another and breathing deeply. 

The night smelled of fresh dirt, wood from the bench and Moony. Sirius sighed happily, pulling Remus closer. Remus moved his legs to a more comfortable position. One slightly brushed against Sirius in the most definitely right area, but also the wrong one for the time being. 

Sirius's cock was hard, aching to be, dear god, touched even the smallest amount. It was impossible to remember the last time Sirius had snogged someone so much and been satisfied with just that. 

He had been kissing Remus like this for over a month, maybe two now that he thought about it. With anyone else it was never like this. By the time he was fourteen he thought himself quite finished with snogging and ready to move on to much more exciting things. The thing was kissing Moony, having tongues slide past one another, their lips tug and teeth clash one another was far better than anything else Sirius had done. And though his cock and balls ached something fierce he wasn't about to fuck this up by getting his pants in a twist about needing a good tug. 

If it got that bad he could take care of it later. In fact he had enjoyed his nighttime, and morning, wanks while he thought of Moony. They way his eyes flickered with gold in the right light, or his brow twitched when he was intrigued but not going to show it. Then the next thing he would think about was the way Remus's graceful hands couldn't prepare Potions ingredients for shit, and he had ask Sirius to do it for him. Letting those perfect hands touch Sirius's as he passed him his things. Then he would think of Remus's mouth-oh God, Moony's mouth- how it was warm and inviting. Then Sirius's thoughts would go to the feel of Moony's hair between his fingers. He would be thinking of tangling his own less graceful hands in Moony's hair, as that fucking perfect mouth would wrap around his cock. His tongue flat, taking long. Slow. Pulls- 

"Why are you here?" Remus asked, his head against Sirius's shoulder. 

"The suits of armour thing," Sirius mumbled. 

"No. I meant here, with me, snogging." Remus said it calmly enough, his voice even. 

"Because you do it really damn well," Sirius said with a small smirk. 

"Are you sure it's a bloke you want to be kissing?" 

"Why are you asking?" Sirius said, he was surprised, finally seeing where this was going. 

"Are you just having a small go of-" 

"You're not the first bloke I've snogged," Sirius said. 

"Yeah, you told me. That one you met when your family was on holiday," Remus replied. 

"Nothing happened," Sirius interjected, hopefully reassuring Remus that that was nothing to him. 

"What exactly happened?" Remus said lifting his head from Sirius's shoulder and rolling to his belly to better see Sirius. He rested his chin in his hand giving Sirius the look that implied he couldn't get away with a few vague answers. 

Sirius let out a slow breath running his hand through his hair. "I was in Rome with my brother and parents. Sandro worked at a place that rented scooters. When I got away from my family, I sneacked off to rent one. Met Sandro and we started chatting. He told me to come back in an hour and he would show me the best places to go on the scooter. The next night I left Regulus in the room, I thought he was asleep, I went to meet Sandro to go swimming. My dad caught us two hours later, snogging under a tree somewhere." 

"What did he do?" 

Sirius laughed to himself, remembering the repressed rage in his father's eyes, because he couldn't use magic on an unsuspecting Muggle. "Told Sandro to go, and dragged me back to the hotel. Before we went in, he told me not to say anything to my mother or he'd curse my bollocks off." 

"What was he so angry 'bout?" Remus asked, his brows knitting together in worry. 

"Fucked if I know," Sirius said stretching out his legs. "Maybe cause it was a bloke or a Muggle, or just because it was me. The bloody wanker hates me." Remus opened his mouth to protest but ended up saying nothing. 

"So, is that all you wanted to know?" Sirius said, edging himself closer to Remus again. Not ready to stop touching him. 

"You sure you want to be here with a bloke? You know, instead of-" 

"A nice bit of minge?" Sirius said raising his brows. 

"Yes." Remus smiled sheepishly. 

"I'm sure I want to be here in the dirt, under this dank table, with you." Sirius spoke slowly and seriously, pulling Remus back to him, sometimes Remus needed reassurance like this. Sirius traced the outline of Remus's lips with his tongue. 

"Then why-" Remus began and Sirius flopped back down whimpering. 

"What?" Sirius whinged. 

"Your prick is fucking hard and you don't seem to care. Is that because you just want to snog me, or you're afraid to have me touch you there?" Remus asked quickly but stared intently into Sirius's eyes the entire time, silently demanding an answer. 

"For fuck's sake, Moony," Sirius huffed. "You're not some bird I want to have it off with. You're Moony, I can't tell you to suck me off on the second date." 

"We're dating now?" Remus was almost laughing but Sirius did not see the humor. 

"Yeah! I'm not going around with you just to snog you for shits and giggles. Or to convince you to get me off. I reckon we'd get there but-" 

"You're not the only one who's been walking around with an aching cock for the past month." Sirius forgot whatever it was he was going to say after Remus said that. 

Sirius grabbed Remus, kissing him hard. Not waiting to be gentle or kind about it, he wanted his tongue in Remus's mouth now. Remus twisted his fingers in Sirius's hair moaning while he kissed him back. 

He pulled himself away from Remus's mouth, breath coming out in short puffs. "Remus, God, Remus. All you had to do was tell me your prick was being a stubborn bastard and I'd taken care of it weeks ago." 

Remus smiled devilishly, making quick work of Sirius's belt and flies. "And what about yours?" 

Sirius knew this was better than anything he had imagined, even in his most impressive of Moony fantasies. Remus wrapped his now better than perfect hand around Sirius's cock and showed Sirius how graceful his hands truly were. 

 

***

 

_At first what Sirius had was "spirit" and a "sharp wit", or that's what his father would tell his mother when Sirius had done something "inappropriate", again. Then Sirius had a "temper", "aggression" and "cheek". ("Cheek" not said with any sort of affection.)_

_The thing was, none of these descriptions felt right to Sirius. He just was who he was. When Regulus made him angry, he didn't feel spirited, or aggressive, he just felt like punching him in the face, so he did. Sirius did what he felt he should. He didn't think before he did much of anything._

_After he had spent five days in his room and his father summoned him to his office he tried to explain this to his father. That Regulus had broken his broom, so he smashed Regulus's in return, it was only fair. When Sirius said he wasn’t thinking, his father told him that was exactly his problem._

_It's hard for a cool mind to understand why a burning heart acts the way it does._

_When Regulus waited a whole week to get revenge on Sirius for the broom incident, his father began to forget about Sirius and think more about Regulus._

_Regulus was the favourite, the hope, everything a Black should be._

_Sirius was no longer shining and silver; he was tarnished, discoloured and pushed to the back of a drawer._

_Sirius's first Christmas home from Hogwarts he felt at odds with everyone. His mother only spoke to him to scorn or command, but Sirius could endure that. It was his father's silence towards him that hurt the worst._

_Something that had shown its true colour, gold, could never belong to where silver was the life-blood._

"And you piss in a barrel!!! Hmmfromphguly!!! Then she'll show you 'er tits and all of her bits-" 

"Merlin, how many more verses are there?" Remus said with a tired huff. 

"No idea. Pick up your fucking feet, James." Sirius pulled roughly on James's arm that was slung around his neck. 

After a few rounds of firewhisky shots they had thought it a good idea to go down the kitchens for food. What Sirius and Remus failed to notice, while they happily ate warm pudding and cakes, was that James had brought the whisky bottle with him and was topping off his and Peter's tea. 

Remus and Sirius left the kitchen pleasantly tipsy, while James and especially Peter were completely pissed. Poor Pete, who held his alcohol as well as any bloke who weighed as much as a ten- year-old girl could, had passed out by the second floor. They tucked him in a warm broom cupboard with the map. He could use it when he woke up at three in the morning, and get back to the tower unnoticed. 

Sirius supported James's drunk arse, while Remus held the invisibility cloak over all three of them. It was usually slow under the cloak with more than two of them, but it was worse now; with James, the stupid git, doing his best to make a drunk idiot of himself. 

"How far are we from my bed," James said breaking from his song. "I need to lay down." 

"Three more floors," Remus answered out the side of his mouth. 

"It'd go faster if you shut up for more than a minute," Sirius complained. 

"Oh, Padfoot," James said, turning to face Sirius and giving him a sloppy smile. "Don't have such a stick up your arse, I know you love my brilliant singing." 

"All right, time to lay down, Prongs," Sirius said unhoisting James's weight form his shoulder. 

"Back in our beds so soon? Splendid." 

"Rest right here, Jamie." Sirius tucked James in a large alcove and covered him with the invisibility cloak. 

"You can't leave him here," Remus said, pointing at where the invisible James lay. 

"No one will see him, and he doesn’t snore when he's drunk--you do." 

"Freeem mugylek." 

"What was that?" Sirius said kneeling down and pulling the cloak off James's head. 

"Muuuuugyleck." 

"Right, I'll get a house elf to get you some warm milk straight away." Sirius gave James a patronizing pat on the shoulder then threw the cloak back over his head. 

Remus shrugged, instead of protesting anymore. He had been left in an odd place or two when too drunk to make it back to Gryffindor Tower. They all had been left somewhere warm under a cloak or tapestry, at some point. 

They walked quietly the rest of the way, their shoulders and hands brushing against each other. Sirius had been ready to crawl in his bed, but now he felt his body beginning to come awake. There was a current of excitement and want between them. He and Remus hadn't been in the dormitory alone at night, ever. Or at least not when it mattered. 

They got back to the dormitory, Sirius walked confidently to his bed while Remus closed the door firmly behind them. Sirius watched as Remus walked away from the door, admiring the way his lips carried a soft smile. 

Remus got to his own bed and sat on the edge, untying his shoes. Sirius's eyebrows knit together and he frowned, and made a small sound at the back of his throat. 

"What?" Remus said looking up. Sirius looked away, he felt a bit like an idiot now. He never had to invite Remus to his bed. 

"Nothing. I feel like an idiot standing here, expecting you to come to my bed, and you went to yours instead-" 

"Am I supposed to be there?" 

"Yes--no--I mean I thought in the corridor that we'd be in my bed tonight," Sirius said looking up. They always did any sort of dormitory fooling around in Sirius's bed. It was furthest from the door and angled in a direction that you couldn't see right away as you walked in the room. It hadn't been much more than stolen time when they told evasive excuses for leaving or when the others where stuck somewhere for a bit. Three times it had been for an hour in the early part of the night. Never for any sort of length of time. 

"My bed's perfectly good." Remus scooted further back on the mattress. Sirius tried to say something a couple times, but he had no idea what. "It's possibly more comfy than yours. It's certainly less used." 

"Aren't you worried about James and Pete walking in and you know-" 

"Finding you balls deep in my arse." Remus smiled his wicked grin that went straight to Sirius's prick. "Oh no, you're worried they'll find me balls deep in yours." 

"Aren't you?" 

"No, your arse is sexy and I like being balls deep in it." 

God, if Remus kept talking like this Sirius wasn't going to make it to anyone's bed; he was going to come in his pants. 

"I don't give a shit about the bottom or top thing, I only meant them finding us together. Even if we're not doing anything, James will wonder how I ended up in your bed." Sirius couldn't help it anymore. He reached down pressing on his cock, which had begun to press firmly against his denims. 

"Blame it on being drunk." Remus kicked off his trousers, revealing his own erect cock. 

"You're fucking gorgeous." Sirius threw off his shirt and toed off his shoes. 

"Or we could tell them we're together." 

"What?" Sirius stopped undoing his flies, staring dumb founded at Remus. 

"Tell them, me and you are together." 

"Are you mad?" 

"No, I don't like having secrets from my best friends. We know everything about each other and I don’t like keeping the best part of my life from them," Remus said it all very easily. He had been thinking about this for a while. 

"They won't understand," Sirius said, brushing the idea aside. 

"What? That we fancy each other and have for quite some time? That we hide in empty classrooms, broom cupboards or in the dormitory when we can just so we can be alone together?" 

"You forgot the greenhouses, behind tapestries, prefects' bathroom and library." Sirius bit his lip trying to think if he forgot any other frequented area. 

"Trophy room," Remus added dryly. "My point is, what won't they understand about us fancying one another? They're our friends, they won't care." Remus crossed his arms and raised his eyebrows, challenging Sirius to argue back. 

"You believe that?" Sirius asked, and Remus nodded. "I don't. Even people who are supposed to love you can find reasons not to. They'll want you to not be the way you are-- because you've changed from what they wanted—expected. They can misunderstand the slightest thing." 

"Prongs and Wormtail? You think they'd abandon us like that?" Remus said snapping his fingers. 

"No!" Sirius said quickly. "They'll be our friends or whatever. But they'll never look at us the same, we'll be the poofter friends who prefer each other to a nice pair of tits." 

"Isn't that what we are?" 

"No, not now. We're just their best friends and that's it. If they knew they would add strings to the friendship, so we could never be friends like we were." 

"I think you're a bit worried about how they will feel. They've always-" 

"I'm not ready yet, Moony," Sirius said desperately. Crossing the room quickly he climbed on Remus's bed. "I want them to know, just not now. I'm not ready yet." He gripped Remus's hand, looked into his eyes. "Can't we just be happy that we can be in the same bed and not worry? We can tell them some other time. Soon. I promise." 

Remus looked intently into Sirius's eyes, studying them as he thought about what Sirius said. 

"Ok," Remus nodded. "I understand. But I don't like secrets." 

"Me neither." Sirius reached behind Remus's knees and pulled. "Let's get back to that 'balls deep' conversation." 

 

***

 

_"You've gone completely mad, both of you are fucking mental!"_

_"Language, Sirius." His father had warned him in his cool tone, while his mother sat perched on the sofa, hand gripping her wand._

_A lifetime of differences had finally become too clear for either party to ignore any longer. Different was not welcome in their house. Different, knew this painful truth far more then the rest of them._

_Gryffindors can be fools, especially where any sort of love is concerned. This different Black, this Gryffindor, had thought a parent loved its child out of nature. Despite being disregarded and abused in that cold way, Sirius had assumed he was still loved. Now, he realized what a fool he had been, a fool because he thought love was unconditional._

_He was no more valued here than an old tired House Elf who could no longer do any work. If he stayed he was certain his head would end up on a wall as well._

_He packed up his things and quickly left, after giving his family the proper farewell of "fuck off". He was gone._

_No one chased him once they realized he was gone for good, no one contacted him, not a word was said. He was truly unwanted by them._

It was a good day; the autumn leaves blazed red in the tree tops, Gryffindor just trounced Hufflepuff in the first quidditch match of the season, Wormtail was in Saturday detention, Sirius's hair was perfect (of course), Prongs had gone off to feel up Evans, and Sirius was alone with Remus, who was fucking stunning. 

After Remus had shown Sirius in several ways—no make that positions—what a brilliant defensive performance Sirius had during the match; he made Sirius promise to leave him to do homework for the next solid hour. Sirius, who was feeling properly spent, agreed and fell asleep, still sticky with come and wrapped in Remus's sheets. 

He woke a short time later, feeling happy and warm. He slowly opened his eyes and saw Remus laying across his bed scratching away on a roll of parchment. He felt warm and safe tucked in the bed, watching his lover, deep in concentration, across the room. 

"Remus?" Sirius said, his voice quiet, hardly above a whisper. Remus looked up from his writing at Sirius. "I love you." 

Remus blinked, his face was expressionless, but he blinked again. Maybe Sirius hadn't spoken loud enough. 

"Remus, I love you and I think we should tell people about us." 

Remus put his quill down and stared intently at Sirius. "You're ready then?" 

"I was a stupid arse before, last school year, when I told you 'no'," Sirius said sitting up. Remus looked confused for a moment then nodded as his face broke out it a large smile. 

"All right," he said simply. 

"This is going to be brilliant. So much better than it was before. Now I can rest my hand on your back when we sit down to eat, or touch your knee when we are sitting the common room together, or even hold your hand when I stare at you from across the table when you read. And for Hogsmeade weekends we don't have to pretend we have other plans, or don't care about dates, we can go get a drink together and sit by one another in the booth. This is brilliant! I don't know why I was so stupid before." Sirius spoke very quickly, his heart spilling all the small desires he had felt he was missing out on from having a real, open relationship. 

"Wait," Remus said, his smile having faltered, "you want to tell the whole school? Everyone?" 

"Not go around and tell each person, but not hide it anymore. So yeah." 

"I thought you just meant James and Pete, so we could share a bed, or have unexplained alone time together. Or not have to listen to James go on about how he's getting some and the rest of us just have our hands." 

"James isn't get anything but a handful of tit right now." Sirius pointed out. 

"I only wanted to tell them not the entire world," Remus said. 

"Who cares if the world knows?" Sirius felt his happiness fade slightly but he would convince Remus, it was easy. 

"I care." 

Sirius didn't know why Remus was being so completely daft about this, this had been his idea last time. Sirius asked, "Why?" 

"Because—because I'm not ready for everyone to know I prefer blokes," Remus said. 

"You mean, you prefer me. You don't want people to know you bugger me is that it?" Sirius felt his hackles rising. 

"No—do not twist it that way. It's not about you—" Sirius snorted to that, as if that excuse wasn't overused. "Look. You don't know what it's like. You have a lot more going for you than I do. I'm already going to be entering the world with my score down automatically because of what I am." 

"No one cares about that." Sirius waived the excuse away. 

"No, Sirius, you don't care, and James and Peter don't care. Everyone, and I do mean every one, else cares, or will care." Remus had a hard edge to his voice, one Sirius had never heard before. 

"Dumbledore doesn't care, he welcomed you here." 

"For fuck's sake, Sirius! Dumbledore doesn't run the wizarding world! He runs one school and when I leave here I will have nothing and be rejected just like I have always been. And proudly holding my boyfriend's hand is not going to make it any better!" Remus was up on his knees now, face flushed with anger. 

Sirius jumped out of the bed, sheet falling from around his waist. He was naked, fists clenched at his side. "If you are ashamed to hold my hand then you are ashamed of yourself! You are buggered and sucked and tossed off by another bloke just as much as me! You don't want to tell people because you are too afraid to even tell me that you love me!" 

"Don't be an idiot! That's not why I didn't say it back to you." 

Sirius felt like he had taken a bludger straight to his chest, he couldn't breath. Air was stuck in his lungs, his throat began to close up on him. But the blood pounding in his ears wouldn't let that stop him. "Fuck you! If you don't love me then bloody say so. If you're afraid to work out that other blokes would like your hands down their pants then you can fucking forget about me!" 

"THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID!" Remus yelled back, his hand clinching his wand, and angry tears starting to appear in his eyes. 

"You fucking cock sucking whore, get off my bed," Sirius said viciously. "If all you wanted was your prick wet you should have let me know. I wouldn't have cared." 

"And what about your prick?" Remus said with a terse bite. Standing facing Sirius, they were almost chest-to-chest. 

"I know it's always welcome in your wide spread hole." 

"Fuck. Off." Remus's jaw clenched and his once warm eyes, were cold enough to burn like frost bite. 

"Not a problem, you should have let me know sooner." Sirius turned on his heel storming out of the dormitory. As the door banged open, he pushed past Peter who was just about to walk in. Had he heard anything? 

Sirius stormed out through the full common room, his bits on display for all to see. He didn't care, he was an Adonis and he didn't need any one to make him feel any better than that. 

James found him in the prefects' bathroom around dinnertime. He brought Sirius a cloak and managed to make a stupid joke about how cold the bathroom must be. 

Late into the night, Sirius crept out of his bed and bravely walked over to Remus's. Remus, who was also awake, looked slightly startled, as Sirius parted the curtains. 

Without saying anything Sirius got into the bed, under the covers and tucked himself right up next to Remus. Remus may not want him, and may not need him, but Sirius wasn't ready to stop needing him. Being unloved was something Sirius could endure, again. 

 

***

 

_For a stupidly long time Sirius had hoped his parents would eventually see how ridiculous they had been. That they would miss Sirius, give him words of a welcome; it would be a proper not overly lovey welcome, but a welcome back all the same. He hoped and began to hope even more when Regulus stopped in him the corridor one day to say, "Father is ill"._

_Sometimes, and this was one of those times, hopes are in vain._

_Sirius had to find his own value and worth. Realize he wasn't tarnished and shoved away with any other unwanted item, he was his own brilliant gold. A colour not welcome in his family but valued and loved by others. It took Sirius a stupidly long time to realize this as well._

_Stubborn arse._

The morning was bitterly cold. Sirius hadn't even gone outside and he already knew it was that cold. He shivered violently as he got out of bed to take a shower. It was appropriate that this day be so bitterly cold. 

Before he closed the bathroom door he hurried back to the bed, tucking the covers around Remus, who was still fast asleep. Pointing his wand at the fireplace he started a fire before he left the room. 

The shower was scalding hot as it warmed the knots out of his neck and shoulders. Since he had found out two days ago his father had died his body felt constantly tense. In the shower with his muscles loosening he could enjoy the irony of his father dying from a disease that even a Muggle would die from. Being a wizard and having pure blood couldn't save him from lung cancer. 

Fitting that he ended up being as black on the inside as Sirius had known him capable of being. 

This was truly the end though. With Regulus, the idiot, joining Voldemort then dying because he got cold feet, and his father dead; there was no connection to his family left. He wasn't mental enough to think his mother would want him back. Cold icy bitch, would find a way to blame Sirius for this. 

Sirius stepped out of the shower wrapping a thick towel around his waist. He cleared the steam off the mirror staring at his perfect complexion. He shook out his wet hair and finger combed it back. As he began to lather his face with shaving cream the bathroom door creaked open. 

"Why you up so early?" Remus mumbled, scratching his head. 

"Sorry I woke you." 

"No, you didn't. But why you up so early?" 

"Seemed like a good day for a funeral, so I thought I'd go to one." Sirius finished covering his dark stubble with the frothy cream. 

"Any one in particular?" Remus asked, shuffling himself behind Sirius and resting his head on his shoulder. Sirius shrugged. 

"Bloke I knew a few years back died, thought I pay my respects, or some such." 

Sirius reached in the cabinet and pulled out his razor. To tell the truth, the idea of shaving himself using magic sounded completely mental. Plus there was something about a straight edge blade that was perfect. 

He flipped open the blade, but before he could raise it to his jaw Remus grabbed his wrist. "Let me." Remus took the blade easily from Sirius's hand. 

Remus led Sirius to the edge of the bathtub and made him sit on it. Remus sat himself on the lid of the toilet, so that their knees banged into one another. 

"Hold your chin up," Remus instructed quietly. Sirius lifted his head and Remus took the first pass along his jaw. Sirius could feel the perfect burn of the blade rubbing smoothly across his skin, taking with it the hair and leaving a perfect smooth trail in it's wake. Remus then wiped the remnants on the blade across the towel wrapped around Sirius. Remus took another pass. 

"You know you look like him," Remus said. Sirius didn't ask 'who' he knew who Remus meant. 

"How'd you know? You never met him." 

"You used to have a picture of your family in your trunk, I saw it once. His picture was also in the Prophet two days ago." Remus kept his keen eyes trained on Sirius's jaw. He lightly pushed Sirius on the chin. "Turn your head that way." 

"Our faces have a similar shape, our eyes are the same. I think I'm an inch or two taller than he was. Don't know though, never saw him after I'd finished growing. Thought I'd always see him again—see if he'd changed. Thought he'd like to see me." Sirius felt his throat get tight. Oh God, he didn't want to cry, he wasn't going to cry about his fucked up arsehole father. He better stop talking or he'd be crying like a fucking girl in less than a minute. Lily, the daft bird, had cried her eyes out hugging Sirius when they found out. That had been fucking uncomfortable. 

"Regulus looked like your mum?" Remus asked, working in short strokes down Sirius's chin. 

"Sort of—Regulus looked like himself. Bit of everything but also his own person." Sirius shrugged. 

"Hold still. Have to do your neck now." 

One of Sirius's hands gripped the edge of the bathtub, while the other squeezed Remus's thigh. Not that he didn't trust Remus, but it was a straight edge razor and he couldn't see what was happening. He felt each perfect scrape across his skin, and could hear Remus's slow steady breathing. 

"You can stop trying to mangle my leg now, it's done." Remus wiped off the razor once again and snapped the blade closed. 

"Thanks." Sirius said lowering his head and looking at Remus. "Sorry I woke you, you didn't have-" 

"My alarm woke me, not you." 

"Why are you up? Something for the Order?" 

"I fancied going to a funeral today," Remus said meeting Sirius's eyes. 

"You don't-" 

"I'm not letting you go alone." Remus startled Sirius's legs, pulling himself closer. 

"I can handle my family," Sirius said confidently. 

"I wasn't talking about them. I should be with you." 

"Why?" 

"Because it's your dad's funeral, and no matter the kind of great pile of shit he was I would never let you go alone. I love you." Remus put his arms around Sirius, lacing his fingers together at the small of Sirius's back. 

Sirius couldn't look in his eyes, he looked around the still steamy bathroom instead. "You don't have to tell me you love me, cause my dad died. It's ok." 

"I'm going to let you get away with that stupid comment because you're grieving or something. I love you very much, and if you don't say it back I'm going to start to feel like a prat." Remus tried to meet Sirius's eyes. Sirius felt himself bristle slightly, when he should have been feeling quite happy. 

"I said it to you almost a year ago and you never said it back, why now?" Sirius's tone bit more than he wanted, but Remus was used to him. 

"I loved you then too and I was going to say it back, but we argued instead. You should have realized it when I let you in my bed that night, stayed with you; slept in your bed every night, not caring if James and Peter knew. Or you probably should have worked it out since I do live with you. You're so full of yourself I thought you didn't need me spilling my heart to you every time you saw me," Remus answered. Sirius gritted his teeth and swallowed very hard. He was not going cry. He was not going to cry. 

"No one's every told me they loved me, Moony. You're the first." Remus scoffed softly. 

"Seriously? No one?" 

"Agnes Sloper did when I went down on her but, what the fuck did she know?" Sirius said, feeling the tightness in his chest loosen with his smartarse answer. 

"I just told my boyfriend I love him and now I feel like a fucking arse for not doing it sooner," Remus said pressing his forehead to Sirius. "I am so sorry." 

"It's ok—you didn't. I never told you. I never told anyone that." 

"I love you." Remus kissed Sirius softly on the mouth. Sirius let the warm tongue part his lips and slide gracefully into his mouth. They kissed lazily and tenderly, holding tight to one another. 

"You know you can say it back now," Remus said, while he rubbed his hand up Sirius's thigh. 

"I accept your apology, I understand you were an idiot. Ow!" Sirius yelped as Remus pinched him. 

"I didn't mean that." 

"The love thing?" Sirius smirked at Remus. "I suppose I could say it back. I certainly feel it; but maybe I should make you wait just a bit longer." 

"You love me now?" Remus asked huskily, stroking his hand across Sirius's balls and up his hardening prick. 

"Mmmm well that helps but you've got to do a lot more than that to get me to say it." 

"Back in the shower then, I need to get cleaned up before we leave." 

Sirius threw his towel off and started the water again, in eager anticipation. Remus stripped off his pyjamas, revealing his perfect slight frame. He winked at Sirius as he rubbed his own hard cock. Merlin, Sirius loved him. 

"Think we have enough time?" Remus asked. 

"You're really going with me?" Sirius asked. 

"Course, I won't let you go anywhere without me." Remus smiled his sweet lovable perfect sheepish smile, complimented by a possessive wolfish growl in the back of his throat. Sirius threw back the shower curtain. 

"Then we have all the time in the world."


End file.
